Henry Miller once said that, ‘One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things’, and I suppose that he must be right. Transport, in that case, must not actually be a way of getting from A to B, but a way of getting from A to a new way of seeing things- like a filter on Instagram. Does that mean that ‘Rise’, ‘Amaro’, ‘Mayfair’ and even #nofilter are modes of transport?
Does it bollocks. A destination is a place. Having said that, the fact that a destination is actually a place (as proved in the Encyclopaedia of ‘It-just-is’), does not mean to say that a mode of transport is simply a way of getting from A to B. Yes, that is the fundamental quality of a mode of transport, but also of paramount importance is the coolness of a mode of transport. Technically speaking, efficiency comes first when traveling, but realistically it’s about how cool you’re going to look. Here are the five best ways to do so:
1) Triumph Motorcycle.
Steve McQueen. That is all.
2) Fixed Wheel Bicycle (Fixie)
Much as it would pain everyone to admit it. The fixed gear bicycle is something that the hipsters really did get right. And they did it before anyone else knew it was cool.
If you can successfully stand on a board while it moves, that’s bloody cool. This guy handstands on a board while it moves.
Put on your best outfit, step outside, and strut. It’s fairly easy to do and it burns calories.
5) Huvr Board
If anything from Back to the Future becomes a reality, it is, by definition, cool. (I know it’s not real but neither is the Illuminati.)
If those five are completely inaccessible to you, then at least avoid these three:
1) The Micro-Scooter
There are no positives to the Micro-Scooter. You aren’t a child, so it’s not even meant for you. It hurts your back, constantly having to bend over a ridiculous handlebar. It isn’t quirky.
2) Velvet Sports Car
The only enjoyable thing about seeing a custom velvet (or indeed any other material that you wouldn’t normally find on a car) sports car is the knowledge that its driver has a smaller penis than you.
Sneakers with wheels. Firstly, the sneakers look woeful, from the bulky shape to the questionable colour schemes. Secondly, the stance that is required to activate the wheels makes you look like a pillock.